Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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