i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
