This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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