my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
