so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
