i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Randomize
