my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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