i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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