you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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