speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
