I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
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Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Randomize