its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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