Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
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