I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
