These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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