I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
it's like heaven, but drunker
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
