i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
