I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
