When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
