My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
