I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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