I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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