Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize