Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
