yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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