Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
