I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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