i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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