Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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