Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
