i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
We are all done wearing pants today
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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