you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
