I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
