I like my sex mixed with concussions.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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