I think my vagina is haunted
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
