I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
