Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
