turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize