smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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