you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I AM VODKA MAN
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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