do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
