it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
