walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
