Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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