Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
she pinky promised me she was 18
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
