12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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