I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
