i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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