the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
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He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
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Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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