i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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