Pappa wants mamma naked
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
