he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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