She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
