haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
