We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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