Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
