life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
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