a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
