i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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