I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
