I hate all girls vehemently.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
